A Mets fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountian. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team.
Upon reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, "This is for the Mets!!!" and throw’s himself off the top of the mountian.
Next the Braves fan yells, "I love Atlanta....This is for you Braves!!" and he, too, jumps off.
And then the Red Sox fan reaches the top and screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Yankee fan off the mountian.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Hunter & the frog
A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"
Mother Nature
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Tech support
THESE PEOPLE VOTE—YOU DECIDE?
Technical Support
Oh.... Some People Are Truly STUPID
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates .
------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................thank you.
------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
------------------------------
And last but not least:
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Modern day Noah
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living things on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the plans and specifications for the Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." ... and six months passed
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ... but no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. The objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself."
"What is that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Word: "Government."
"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." ... and six months passed
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ... but no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. The objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself."
"What is that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Word: "Government."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Not so dumb professor
Two law students are spending their Friday night studying for their big Constitutional Law exam on Monday morning. They studied from 6:00PM to 8:30PM, when they decide to take a break.
They walk down to the nearest bar and have a drink. While there, the two meet a group of girls who invite them to a party.
The law students figure they will have time over the weekend to study, so they go to the party with the girls. They stay up all night partying and sleep all day Saturday.
Before they have a chance to get back home to spend their Sunday studying, the girls invite them to another party. The girls make a convincing argument, and the two law students decide to go to the next party.
On Monday morning, their heads are pounding. They can't make it out of bed in time for the exam. They wake up Monday afternoon and hurry to the Professor's office to beg for a makeup test.
They tell the Professor they were on their way to class when their car got a flat tire. They plead their case and eventually, the Professor agrees to give them a makeup exam. The two law students share a devious grin, knowing they had duped the Professor. The Professor puts the two students in separate rooms and administers the makeup exam, which has only two questions:
1. Explain the significance of habeus corpus in contemporary U.S. law. (Value - 5%)
2. Which tire? (Value - 95%)
They walk down to the nearest bar and have a drink. While there, the two meet a group of girls who invite them to a party.
The law students figure they will have time over the weekend to study, so they go to the party with the girls. They stay up all night partying and sleep all day Saturday.
Before they have a chance to get back home to spend their Sunday studying, the girls invite them to another party. The girls make a convincing argument, and the two law students decide to go to the next party.
On Monday morning, their heads are pounding. They can't make it out of bed in time for the exam. They wake up Monday afternoon and hurry to the Professor's office to beg for a makeup test.
They tell the Professor they were on their way to class when their car got a flat tire. They plead their case and eventually, the Professor agrees to give them a makeup exam. The two law students share a devious grin, knowing they had duped the Professor. The Professor puts the two students in separate rooms and administers the makeup exam, which has only two questions:
1. Explain the significance of habeus corpus in contemporary U.S. law. (Value - 5%)
2. Which tire? (Value - 95%)
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Where pets come from
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the Dog was pleased.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the Dog was pleased.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
3 legged chicken
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.
The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.
The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.
As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.
The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front.
Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.
After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens.
"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own."
"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.
The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.
The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.
As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.
The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front.
Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.
After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens.
"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own."
"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."
Tickle me Elmo
A woman looking desperately for work goes to the toy plant where they make Elmo dolls. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he regrets that he has nothing worthy of her background that he might offer her.
The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does have one job that requires very low level skills -- on the Tickle Me Elmo production line. The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. Then the manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her. She replies that she thinks can handle the job, and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a.m. next morning.
The next day at 8:45, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come, as far as the eye can see. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side.
Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the material, takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing, and finally, after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics, he pulls himself together and walks over to his newest employee. "I'm sorry," he says to her. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two test tickles."
The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does have one job that requires very low level skills -- on the Tickle Me Elmo production line. The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. Then the manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her. She replies that she thinks can handle the job, and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a.m. next morning.
The next day at 8:45, there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come, as far as the eye can see. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side.
Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the material, takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing, and finally, after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics, he pulls himself together and walks over to his newest employee. "I'm sorry," he says to her. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two test tickles."
Wife Needs Help
Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"
"We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"
Pushing Buttons
On a flight to Los Angeles, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow."
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